A twenty pound bag of rice sits idle on the floor, abandoned by the heavy day.
baw baw's eyes are weak and tired, like the pavement and streetlights outside.
we sit, waiting to feel more alive, but the longer we wait, the more sadness seems to seep in. and stay.
underneath the laughter, there is still so much pain, too much pain to be told in stories. 
I linger in my thoughts and wonder if He can hear it all, when these walls are so thin. 
the shoes are strewn, here and everywhere, right beside our little hearts
we are afraid to die before we are able to give our lives away to something good.
raw meat in the pantry, mismatched clothing all about,
what is life supposed to be anyway? there is no right way or wrong, only what we've known
but what we know may not be right at all, we may be all wrong in fact.
and we see so much, but we let so little in. we are people who know nothing at all.
so the dawn brings a stale promise of what we thought we deserved. of things we thought we knew.
and life is the same no matter which square inch of earth you claim,
pain is everywhere, in everyone
and in the end, i suppose the wretchedness of darkness is the same in every soul.
here, and everywhere there is always something that doesn't seem quite right.
today, something is breaking, and i cant tell if it will mend or shatter.
today, even our words seem as silence.
please tell me, my dearest ones, we don't have to stay asleep, do we...
there is still some color left, there is still yet a voice that's louder than our own.
the light coming in through the blinds from the pale light outside,
it is truth. it is hope, if we will let it be.
the roads we walk within these walls, and every other wall, must bring us some strength.
being alive is not so easy, staying alive even harder.
but open your eyes, you are standing in the bright light.
let it in, let it all in.
yeshua, help us to be free.

.....For my new friends here, for my new home here and this quiet room that holds so many secrets, and for all of those who watch or weep this night, expectant of a new hope and a new life, these words are for you, however jumbled and incoherent they may seem.

These few days have seemed dim, as the family I have learned to love and live and walk beside are having trouble finding the light. I am learning, families are the same everywhere, and men and women are men and woman no matter what language they speak or whether they grew up in suburbia america or in the jungles of thailand. please pray, if you are willing this night, for our dear friends who are searching for hope and truth in their marriage and in their family. pray that God's light will find them soon, and His peace will sustain them for the months to come. I dont know what to ask, so I don't know what to tell others to ask, but perhaps simply ask the Good Father to be present in this place, as He already is, that we would see Him and know Him here even now.

Peace to all of you tonight, even if the road seems dark. the one step we take this very minute is lit with all the light we will ever need. We are loved, and in this we can rest.

So.....what? hello hello to friends near and far and farther. I've decided to post some pictures of life's recent events, to share the good story of love and adventure and children and people with all of you. Today, on this rainy and brightly cloudy day in Georgia, I am knowing that God truly is good. i know today that no matter where I go, or who I go there with, that the constant Spirit of our Father is near us always, teaching us of His ways in silence and in peace. I am learning greater of contentment that is not defined by circumstances and of community that is not defined by proximity. Although I struggle still, I am seeking with eyes that want to know all people as brothers and sisters, to deeply be content with all His children as community. So here the sharing goes...

 

saying a goodbye for now to rach and jon, our SOKO friends who are sooooo kewl. Orenmanida.

I said goodbye to two good friends headed to South Korea for the year. They've left only a few short weeks ago and already my heart longs to know them again at those places that we all knew so well. Missing already our dear Istanbul and those familiar rooms at the bungalow and eating out of the same bowl. "Commmuniitttyyyyy!!!!!" You. Two. So dear to us all. We are already missing you and thinkin of you walkin those tea fields and eatin that kim chi and reminding us from so far away what it means to live life alive and free. We said goodbye, for at least a year, and maybe more. Who even knows...Rachey might have a little vineyard-Hill babe by the next time we see them (too soon for that joke or what??)

I'm missing this place so much these days, and will I guess for a long time, and maybe forever. This was the place where the good gift of community was handed to me by the most delicate hands at a time when I was needing the great peace and silence of Jesus. To all of you who shared life with me there, I am holding you near in my heart these days as the definition of community is still changing and growing within me. I owe you all my life for teaching me so patiently about the honesty and difficulty and joy and truth of living a common life together. I've come a long way my friends....I may still use your toothbrushes, but I have learned how not to vomit my crap all over your spaces. (the cave was my greatest teacher)

The Bungalow and its big and bright and comforting red front door. Surely, a house of peace. To all my sisters still hangin around that sweet place, peace and love to you all.

A funny, funny child.

On Friday nights in Clarkston, there's something called "Friday Night Game Night." Now, previously in life, I have tried to stay far, far away from things resembling camp and camp-like activities, and while this game night is actually not an exception to that, I feel like its a place where I can learn to get out of myself and the annoyances I wish I did not have. These two girls in this picture have already done just that for me. Candy Ree, who lives with Sage in the Lakes here, is the spunkiest little thing I ever did see. She could make anyone feel like loved in the best kind of way. Eh Wak, the dear child, was glued to me like sticky rice (bad joke, yes but ive eaten so much of it here!!) I am knowing here that even when you think you have spent and wasted all your energy and capacity to show love, there is still more there, in the light within the darkness.

Candy Ree from Karen State and Eh Wak from Sudan. My friday night game night friends.

The laundry mat at Indian Creek Apartments

This is a real thing. Many, if not all, of these refugees are coming from places that do not know or use or even care about modern appliances. The washers and dryers and dishwashers and microwaves go unused in many of these places. Instead, the bathtub is used to wash and the bushes are used to dry. I'm starting to think...that's the way it should be, right? Mom, do not be concerned if I come home to visit and begin dunking all my clothes in the tub and lying them in the driveway to dry...it might just be the better way :)

this kids in our house and some neighbors.

The kids here, I can't even say in words how good and pure and precious they all seem to be. Kids are kids everywhere, and I know that they still can be what all kids are capable of being, but they too are different. They can sit for hours, resting in the contentment of one toy instead of 20, and will eat anything put in front of them. I keep telling people here that i will never be content again with an American child (except maybe my niece and nephew). I will just have to follow through on either a) adopting many foreign children, b) raising my children in a foreign country, or c) marrying a refugee man.

Person number 10 on lice removal day.

This story is worth an entry all by itself, but I am so over lice that I cannot give them what they deserve. Last Monday...we pulled into our complex to see Baw Baw picking thru Heth a Pleh's hair...come to find out, not only does everyone in her family have lice, but everyone in our family does also. No problem...in attempting to meet our new friends in the middle between Lice as a very big problem if not taken care of and Lice as no problem at all when living in a refugee camp with no other alternative but to live with it and let the bugs do what they will, there were many misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Many patient moments and translators later, Erin cleaned our apartment top to bottom and I spent ten hours de-licing everyone. We are still walking down this adventurous road...with our last treatment planned for tomorrow. I am now a lice professional and have a skill that many people cannot boast about. I am thankful in some kind of way for this.

Zach, our only american friend in our complex.

It is good here to know other Americans who have the same vision and are seeing with the same eyes as us. Zach is a good man who has and is dedicating so much to the family he is living with and to this community.

Yes, Baw Baw's hair almost touches the ground. And yes, she did have lice. oh. my. goodness. Also, Pag a Phoo Bleh, the child whom I wish had come from my own womb.

This is the child that I want as my own. I tell Baw Baw every day, "I'm going to steal Pag and never bring her back. She's my baby now." Interestingly, Baw Baw does not seem opposed to the idea ( I owe it to four children and one on the way.)

Protest for Troy Davis in downtown Atlanta, a deathrow inmate in Jackson set to be executed tomorrow night. He is innocent.

This is a story worth knowing. You can go here for more details. In this, I am deeply thankful and aware that all we can do most days is to offer a little hope where we can. It may not be much, but it's all we can do.

Gloria, the most beautiful of them all.

Our neighbors right across the way from us have the most beutifula and welcoming family. Their daughter, Gloria, is so beautiful it makes my heart hurt! Okay!

The family we are living with. They all four got on the new bike. I'm very surprised they are still alive.

This is another picture of the family we live with. father and his three sons. They are teaching me what it means to live a life of sacrifice, and what it is to live AS ONE.

From the hands of our sisters, a meal of many meals.

Sitting around this meal, with my white and "yellow" friends side by side, I was knowing deeply of gratitude. To simply share a meal, and life with others, is the best gift I know.

Praise God, the Creator, Redeemer and Giver of LIFE.

Ta blu doh ma!

I'm sittin here in this coffee shop trying to know something worth knowin. Ya know what I mean? I'm just trying to feel my way along, one little step after another, as I try to open my eyes a little wider and see His great light one little ray at a time. I've been wondering the past week...what are we all doing anyway? Why are we living this strange and exhilerating and painful and joyful life? I've been realizing now more than ever that at the very bottom of things, we are all the same. In our truest, deepest selves, our hearts are all alive and simply and only desiring some part of the truth of life. We are looking into the eyes and space around us in hopes we can be led to something more true than the darkness inside of us all.

This place, Clarkston, GA is a world where I have seen the light of life flash brightly before my eyes. I've been awakened, rather shaken, to see the great goodness in this one square mile of the earth, and my heart knows no greater joy than this. I am still learning of the ways I am still asleep to God's workings and love, and I am deeply thankful to be in a place where I am called from the depths of my own grave of blindness and sameness into a world much different than others I have known. I have spent this week around a woman who although she has been to less than half of the schooling I have, knows greater and more truly of life's fruit and knowledge and wealth and breadth and depth than I may ever know. She is only one year older than me, and spends her time as mother of three, wife of ten years, cook, and cleaner. And while she does all these things, she is busy taking care of everything else that comes with being in a new country and learning a new language. After all this, this sweet woman still stays up late with me to practice vocabulary. She knows something of contentment that I have yet to learn. She has been to the great depths of pain and has learned what it means to empty herself for those around her. She has not only seen the necessity of sacrificial living, but has adopted it as her mantra, as the only way. I wonder...how does she do it? I can barely know any satisfaction in work I choose to do, much less in the work before me that I have had no part in choosing for myself. I'm asking the Lord, the Good Father of both me and Aye be wah, to show me how to be more like her. To teach me from my old habits and lead me into a new way where I can learn to place others before myself not just because I know it's good, but because I have been so formed that I have no other response but to do so.

This family knows Jesus as Christ and as Lord. Of course they know the tiredness we all know from walking these hard roads each day, but they also know the roads to walk that lead to peace and joy.

For now, I am content to be eating many colorful garden treats and neighborhood animals with my hands, to be awoken each morning to the sound of a strange yet comforting language, to a language that not only sings a song with words, but also with the Spirit. I am thankful to be walking to the market hand in hand with a woman who cannot have a conversation with me, but has let me be her neighbor and friend. I am thankful to have my eyes opened to new definitions of hard work and sacrifice, of simple living. Mostly, I am grateful on this day to recall so clearly and quickly the sweet laughter of all my new friends here, a laughter that springs out of tears and thankfulness.

I am trying to learn the Karen language, very slowly but surely, I can now say thank you so much, you are so beautiful and i'll see you later. It's not much I know, but I do pray God can guide my tongue towards something good and fruitful.

Let us all pray today that our Father will continue to lead us to unknown places where the light is found in darkness. If you will, please pray today for our new friends, especially the baby, Wah le so, who went to the emergency room last night with a high fever. As I was sitting in that waiting room last night at 1 in the morning, I was realizing the fear that is capable of finding its way into the little spaces of confusion within us all. For all these new neighbors and refugees who have found a home here, for those who cannot see two steps ahead of them, and for those who lie awake at night and have no one to take them to find help in the middle of the night, may the peace of Jesus somehow find is way to those quiet places.

There is too much goodness to be contained, there is too much love to not give it all away.

Peace, peace and more peace to you all.

finding the ever new Beginning that has no end

so here it goes...

i've started a blog. yes, yes, do believe it, it has happened. I've always tended to make fun of those who do these sorts of things, and will probably continue to poke some sort of light hearted fun...that is until they discover my cyber life, too. I guess im beginning this little writing adventure because some people have asked me to, and i guess in some way i want to, mostly as a way to share life with others. i want to stay connected to some of the good and true folks i've met along the way, and offer them a glimpse into the life to be lived before me.

so today is a new day. today is a day where i am dreaming of a new place. a place filled with every color and shade, a space loud with unfamiliarity and discomfort. a place filled with words of hope, suffering, goodness and love. Im dreaming of a place where we can all learn to be healed and whole...together. my heart is being reborn within me as I dream of this place before me, this tiny town of clakston. it is already my home, even though i have not yet arrived. it is the place where i am hopeful to know something new of real freedom. i am longing now more than ever to know the freedom found in simplicity, the freedom of shedding the old and being handed the new.

I'll be leaving now in about a week from this place i have known so well, from this place that has known me so well. and i hope to have something more to share then. for now, im being led by a new light, to a place with too many colors to describe. the desert within me is beginning to be sanctified, the wilderness ahead is shining with promise.